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  1. One year. It’s been one year since my son, my first born, the man that was first to teach me unconditional love, lost his grandfather. His papa was his pal, buddy and best friend. Even when my sons father went MIA, his papa was there to be his role model. The bond they shared even when he was nestled safely in my womb was palpable. “It’s gonna be a boy and I’m gonna take him fishing”, he would tell me with certainty even though we did not find out the gender. He took me out to dinner the night before my son’s arrival and told me, “You’re going in to labor at 3:15 in the morning”. (I was 2 days over due and just assumed he was just as anxious as I was.) I woke up in a sweat, nauseous, cursing my father in law, thinking I had food poisoning. I looked at the clock after I got back from the bathroom to see it said 3:18 am. Chills. From the sickness? In that moment, I thought yes. We rushed to the hospital and after 3 shorts hours, I was holding my baby boy. I could feel his papa outside my room, pacing, anxiously waiting to hear a cry. I told my ex to tell his dad “It’s a boy, It’s a boy!” The bond was as instant as I knew it would be. That man you would have guessed was mean and hard as stone, melted when he held his first born grandchild.
    In January my son turned 13. The first birthday without his papa, his pal, his buddy and best friend. My heart hurts. I have cleaned and bandaged the boo-boos, I’ve been able to hug away the heart break from his first love, but this. This I can’t heal. This pain I can’t bandage, this pain I can only temporarily hug away. I can see he feels empty and lost and broken. As a parent, I’d shoulder all the pain if I was able, shelter him from having to personally know loss.
    But, on the flip-side, in order to feel that intense amount of loss, you have to know an equally intense amount of love. And so is the feeling of loss worth it? Would you go through the heartache, the emptiness or the despair of losing someone if you knew you would never feel that kind of love? He got 12 good years with his grandfather. Even though it was not nearly long enough for my boy, he will cherish those years and know in certainty, that he was loved. Unconditionally. It’s been one year.

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  2. Kate Nunez says:

    Yesterday was one of my niece’s birthday. It was kind of sad because she had no cake and no happy birthday really sung to her. I felt kind of bad about that, but at least she got some gifts. Quarantine made her birthday feel somewhat nonexistent, and even more so when it feels like there’s no real family connection sometimes. I know she’s loved and everyone else, but it sometimes feel like more could be done to show our relationship with each other. I don’t know? Aside from that, quarantine has been interesting to be in. I feel like with all this time I could be productive and get assignments done, but I’m not. I’m still so far behind in math and just doing absolutely bad in some other aspects of life. I kind of wish I took the initiative, but every time I want to do something, I end up watching One Piece or some other show like Sailor Moon, American Horror Story, etc. But in a way, I feel like I just get inspired watching these shows. They kind of make me want to write and create something with my own two hands and not just fall in place in a desk where I’m doing work to pass with a good grade instead of passing with good energy and an actual feeling of success. I’ve kind of always wanted to create work like Junji Ito or pieces similar to those used in horror movies. Creating something like that has always been so interesting to me. Also, I’m normally opposed to learning how to do makeup because I honestly am too lazy to learn all that, but horror inspires me so much that I want to learn it to be able to create creatures like the fauno from Pan’s Labyrinth with synthetic hair and skin. Ugh. I adore it so much that I’ve even thought about going into some type of career I combing special makeup effects for movies, but I also know my mother would never approve and that deep down I don’t even approve of it myself. Maybe a side career? Who knows? I feel like quarantine has been making me think so much and I don’t know what I want to do. I feel like you need to be in school for success and get educated to succeed. That’s true, but you don’t need perfect grades and a 3.5-5.0 GPA at graduation to be successful in life. So many people have been successful without that and I feel like school just drags me down sometimes and that I learn more out of my current school and sometimes learn more at the JC than other places. So many people at the JC have kind of inspired me to do better and taught me so many cool things. I don’t know. I’m kind of just rambling on. If I could make a book about rambling with even my own ramblings, ugh. I’d be a pro. I’ll leave it here for the next time I ramble.

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